This simple, yet profound, question recently posed by Andy Stanley & Perry Noble has rocked my world.
Godly relationships require that we set high standards while holding to them unswervingly. While I’ve
always held dating in high regard with respect to who I’ve chosen to date, I’ve not always intentionally
thought about how I’m preparing myself to be the person I am looking for is looking for. Until now that
is.
Like many of you, I have my list of “non-negotiable standards” that I look for in a guy I date. This is
because this guy has all the potential in the world to become my best friend and husband one day. He
will be the daddy of our children. Our lives, marriage, & family will do more for the glory of the Lord
and for His Kingdom because we will be better together. So yes, absolutely. There are non-negotiable
standards.
My fear is that many of us girls set standards for men that we ourselves are not willing to be held
accountable to. We desire to be pursued and loved by a godly man; however, the lifestyles we lead
don’t always attract that. We want him to be a spiritual leader, but we often times fail to support &
encourage him in his efforts. We crave, at the core of who we are, to be loved and cherished; yet, we
neglect to honor & respect him.
Instead, I often hear, “All men are just pigs! They are after one thing and one thing only. Where are the
Christian guys that will step up and lead? Why aren’t guys taking the initiative anymore?”
Incredible godly men do exist (& I believe it’s safe to say the single men are looking for incredible godly
women…am I right?)! They are rising up in great multitudes! They are stepping up, taking the lead,
& being men of God. The Lord has blessed me so much by exposing me to this during a season where
I, myself, needed that truth revived within me. For those of you struggling with receiving this, I pray
that God meets you where you are right now – that He wipes away bitterness, doubt, painful pasts,
dad holes, & whatever else is keeping you trapped & in a state of despondency. By His wounds you are
healed!
Before we can become the right person, we have to know what that requires. Who are we as women/
wives called to be? The Lord paints a very clear picture of this in Proverbs 31:10-31. In fact, there are several traits revealed in this Word. Here are a few of them:
Trusted
Kind
Fears the Lord
Blessed by her children
Careful
Praised
Not afraid
Worker with hands
Wise
Generous
Good to her husband
Of exceptional worth
Respectful to her husband
Overwhelmed by that? Feel disheartened, thinking you’ll never be that person? 2 Peter 1:3 says, “His
divine power has granted us everything pertaining to life & godliness, through the true knowledge of
Him who called us by His own glory & excellence.” I’m thankful for the indwelling work of the Holy Spirit
who enables us to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I’m thankful that He has granted us what we need. It’s
simply up to us to walk it out by obeying His Word and submitting to His will.
We will be held accountable as well, just for different things. So, what does becoming a Proverbs 31
woman/wife look like on a practical level? How do I prepare to become the person I am looking for is
looking for? Let’s look at a few ways…
What am I spending my time doing? Am I sitting idle waiting for macho-man Sully (quick…which TV show
is he from?) to ride in, profess his undying love, and sweep me into happily ever after? Am I entrenched
in the latest reality TV Shows and gossip magazines? Or, am I spending time in worship with the Lord,
studying His Word, allowing Him to infiltrate all of me, & just communing with Him? THAT is preparing
you to be the person you’re looking for is looking for.
Am I putting aside living my dreams in hopes that I can really start living life one day once I’m married
and have children? Or, am I running with perseverance the race marked out for me now while trusting
the Lord to bring me someone who is running his race in a lane nearby? Marriage is meant to make you
holy and the goal is to be joined together to run the race He’s set before you to glorify the Lord more
as a team than you would on your own. If you aren’t serving the Lord & running in obedience in the
direction He’s calling you to, how will someone be able to link arms with you and be going anywhere?
THAT is preparing you to be the person you’re looking for is looking for.
The tongue has the power of life or death. We can easily build men up and encourage them as leaders,
or we can emasculate them with a simple action, tone of voice, or our words. Ladies, you know how we
so strongly desire to be loved and understood? In that same way, men yearn to be respected. We must
learn to submit and be a helpmate, while encouraging him to lead. I’m in no way saying that we have no
opinion or influence. We aren’t puppets, we are helpmates. We are to be partners, but he is ultimately
responsible for the spiritual leadership and well-being of your future marriage and your family. He will
answer to God for that one day. Pray for him. Encourage him. Love him. Support him as he leads. Even
now, as a single lady, pray for your future husband. Pray for the Lord to protect his mind, eyes, heart,
purity, etc. and that he allows God to be Lord of his life. Stand in the gap for him even before you meet
him or marry him. THAT is preparing you to be the person you’re looking for is looking for.
I know whose I am and I am confident in who I am in the Lord. Still, I struggle with being restless, with
not being content in all seasons of life. My utmost desire in this world is to be a woman of God, to be
given the opportunity marry my best friend & to respect & honor him as my husband, to raise God
fearing children (both of my own & ones adopted as our own), & just to grow more intimately in love
with Him. So, I say this all as someone who is learning to wait well. To serve & lead well. To encourage,
support, honor, & respect well.
So ladies, contrary to what I often hear from many of you, all men are not pigs. If this becomes the message we communicate (verbally or nonverbally), it’s time we fall on our faces before our Almighty God & pray for Him to release the spirit of unforgiveness & unbelief that is plaguing us. Most of us can point back to the exact situation or person as being a source of many scabs that we carry. Our God is greater than the trunk full of baggage that we store up & carry & His love for you is extravagant. Open your trunk, throw out your extra baggage, & decide today to let Jesus, our Jehovah Rapha, heal your scabs. Let’s choose this day to live in freedom! Let’s choose this day to focus on becoming who the person we are looking for is looking for.
For those of you who are curious about my “non-negotiable standards,” below are some of them. I
know, you’re all stunned that “must wear cowboy boots, enjoy country music, love to dance, & must
embrace my awkwardness” didn’t make this list. Shocker, I know, but that’s really just icing on the cake.
Kind of. ;-)
- Does he have a personal, intimate relationship with the Lord? (2 Corinthians 6:14)
- “Yeah, he goes to church. He even goes with me sometimes” is not an acceptable response to that question. Ladies, you are worth more and your future marriage is worth more. If you have to drag him to church before marriage, you’ll be dragging him in marriage or going alone. If he doesn’t pursue & love the Lord, he won’t know how to pursue or love you.
- Does his life show evidenced fruit of loving and serving the Lord? (Matthew 7:16-20)
- How does he treat other people, especially women?( 1 Timothy 5:2)
- Spend some time getting to know him in different environments. Watch him around his family, with friends, with the waitress/waiter at a restaurant, with the grocery store clerk, at church, & so forth. Does he treat them with respect and honor, or is he condescending and chauvinistic? Is he genuine and authentic?
- How are his interactions with other females? Does he seem to get his ego boost from their interactions, or does he set healthy boundaries with them? Does he treat them “with all purity?” Where do you catch his eyes when he’s around women – is he disciplined enough to bounce them or does he give 2nd, 3rd, & 4th long glances while checking them out?
- Does he study and love God’s Word? (Psalm 119:9-16)
- Does he respect authority? Is he respected among his family, friends, and co-workers? (Romans13:1-3; Proverbs 31:23)
- Is he black and white in his decision making, or does he tend to live in the gray areas ofcompromise? (1 Corinthians 10:23; 1 Timothy 3:2-9)
