Wow, it has been quite some time since my last post! As I sit here worshipping & soaking with my Jesus, I'm overcome with tears of joy as He sings over me. I am humbled and in awe of all that He is doing in my life and in the lives of those I love most. Surreal. Yep, that's a good word for it. Lord, give me a discerning, wise heart. Give me passion for you & your children that is unexplainable - so much that it seems crazy to outsiders- where "radical" doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of it! More of you, less of me.
As I reflect on the incredible things God is doing now, I can't help but think back over the events that have transpired these past 21 months. There have surely been too many to list here. I'm filled with awestruck wonder as I recall the process God has brought my family & me through during this time. His grace, mercy, & love never fails. It never, ever fails.
This song is now playing. How fitting, right?
"Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You"
In the midst of my worship time tonight, I stumbled across a note I wrote just 5 weeks after my dad went to be with Jesus. I cried, of course, as I read through this just a moment ago because I can vividly recall every bit of it. Even better than that, I can still feel God's hand holding mine, leading me ever so gently moment by moment. He's the great I AM. He's my comforter, healer, sustainer, confidant, strength, bread of life, confidence, hope, peace, joy, freedom giver, fulfillment, best friend, and so much more.
I'd like to share the note with you... Please excuse the grammatical errors and missing words here and there. It took all I could do to remember my name at that time. :)
I find it difficult to write this note, as after 5 weeks things still seem quite surreal. I keep thinking that at anytime this will be over and life will go back to normal. I’m reminded that while this time of grieving isn’t indefinite, the old normal has gone and a new normal will soon arise. How I long and ache for my dad to be here, to take him on a surprise trip for the two of us at Alabama Adventures, for him to do his silly dance in the den that embarrassed me, to enjoy this next season of Alabama football that he loved so much, to ride me on the wave runner and pull me on skis, to brave the Nascar simulators at the Galleria, and just to continue doing life with us. I’d give anything for him to be able to hold his first baby grandson, to walk me down the aisle in my white dress, and to hold, love, and cherish my mom forever. I overflow with joy as I reflect on the life that he lived, the legacy that he left behind, and the fact that he has seen glory! He’s getting his reward both now and forevermore. While I feel like shattered glass, the love, joy, peace, and hope that my heavenly dad provides new each day radiates from within. I am experiencing peace that transcends all understanding in a whole new light. I can feel His presence as He holds my hand and guides me when there seems to be no way, as He comforts and sustains me as I adjust to life without a loved one, and as He promises better things have yet to come. His grace is more than enough. Oh man. That is something else I’m seeing and experiencing in new ways. He grabs me up when I start to fall, even when I am so broken, angry, or just a mess altogether and can’t seem to grab hold of the life preserver. He grabs it for me. He is so patient, loving, and compassionate. I do not know how people survive this without knowing Him, but I am thankful that I don’t have to.
Just to give a little insight as to what happened… Dad started feeling a little odd a few months ago. He had a physical done in May and every single thing checked out great. There was nothing to be found. Unbelievable, I know. Even after numerous visits with a team of great doctors, no one could determine what was causing his pain or other symptoms. We thought he possibly had a parasite or something wrong with his gallbladder. He was scheduled to have his gallbladder removed a few weeks ago, but tests were so inconclusive and he was spiraling downhill so rapidly that they opted against it. By this time, I had been in China with my church for a couple of weeks thinking that He was fine, just as he was when I flew out. One of my leaders had to wake me up early one morning to tell me that I needed to call home because my dad wasn’t doing very well. At this point, he was getting ready to have a risky exploratory surgery and the family knew that I’d kick their booties if I wasn’t brought home for something that serious. I had no idea how serious it was about to become, none of us did. After traveling 36 hours solo, I flew into Birmingham, Chad picked me up, and I ran into Brookwood to surprise my dad. He had no idea they were able to get me back. He was so precious. His eyes lit up and he just opened his arms toward me, unable to sit up and grab and squeeze me like he always had. The whole travel experience was absolutely incredible. That’s a whole other story in itself of God’s grace and power. I have never felt God’s presence in such a mighty way as I did during that time. I pray that I never forget that feeling. I could feel angels surrounding me with a cloud of protection, peace, calmness, and wisdom. It was so real. I didn’t have someone to help translate, I didn’t have a friend to comfort me and tell me things would be ok, I didn’t have someone to keep me company, I didn’t have someone to depend on. It was just the two of us, God and me. His grace IS all sufficient. It IS more than enough. I am confident of it. I’m living proof. He gets ALL of the glory and praise for that. O man. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I got a little off track, back to the story... I flew in on Friday, July 24th and we called all of the extended family together at the lake. We were able to take dad home for the weekend as he was scheduled for his massive surgery the following Monday. We had 44 of us from newborns to grandparents and we partied and celebrated like never before. The weekend was full of laughter and tears, boating, fishing, food, quality time, fun, and best of all, praise and worship of our sweet Savior. We all gathered around my dad as we anointed his head with oil and laid hands on him, praying fervently for healing and restoration of his physical body. It was the greatest thing to be part of this and I was so thankful to God that I was able to fly in just in time. We spent the weekend loving on my dad and on each other before heading to the hospital bright at early Monday, July 27th. He was in surgery until after lunch. This is when our world was turned upside down. The doctor took our immediate family into a room to share with us that my dad had metastatic poorly differentiated adenocarcinoma. Translation: he was eaten up with cancer, there was no way to determine where it originated from, and there was no treatment for it. Our world froze when we heard that. He had a massive tumor wrapped around the outside of his heart and it had spread along the main artery leading to and from it, allowing for only 20% usage. He was being suffocated, as this was literally choking the life out of him. We spent every moment from then out in the hospital, with the exception of one day. He stayed in the ICU the whole week after his surgery and was released to go home on Friday, July 31st. The team of doctors knew how bad it was and pretty much sent him home to enjoy it as long as possible. Within less than 24hrs we were scrambling to get everyone loaded up and get him to the ER because he wasn’t able to breathe and was quickly failing. We all followed behind while mom drove him. (She was an absolute, stinkin’ amazing rock the entire time. Talk about the greatness of the Lord, He showed out in and through her like cuh-razy!!) As they pulled away, dad looked up and said, “Goodbye ole house!” He continued to go down and not respond to treatments of any kind at that point. He had another surgery on Monday, August 3rd, to place a stent in the main artery so that it would open up and allow blood to flow freely again. We were preparing to get him stable from that surgery and fly to MD Anderson in Houston within the next couple of days. He didn’t recover from the stent surgery because it didn’t do what it was supposed to have done. The doctor was blown away, as the blockage went from 80% to 100% within 7 days. He said he had never seen anything this aggressive in all of his years in medical practice. Leave it up to us to create medical history. We were up with him that night until after 2am nursing him and trying to keep him comfortable. At 4am, his machine signaled problems and the nurse ran in to check him out. He was becoming unresponsive and his kidneys were failing as a result of the effects the tumor was having on his heart. He continued to decline rapidly and by 6am, we had to call all of the family in. He never got better. He was unresponsive from that point on, although he’d “come back” sometimes to tell us about a memory from way back when. He really couldn’t speak and he had no idea what he was saying. He kept trying to fix things, like he was out on the boat or at his shop. It was so cute. My family stood around his hospital bed holding him, singing over him, and praying until he took his last breath. That, too, was an unforgettable memory. It happened so fast, though. He passed away 8 days after his diagnosis. He died at 8:49pm on 8/4/09.
That'll do for now. Maybe I'll hop back on board with this whole blog posting idea one day soon. We'll see. ;-)
God Bless you!
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